So, I was reading Facebook and discovered Newt Gingrich’s latest set of promises, this time to the Christian Right. Now that he’s courting the religious right, thrice married New Gingrich promised to “uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others.” Wow. The cynicism is pretty extraordinary, even for the politician who pursued Bill Clinton relentlessly, because of an intern’s hummer and a blue dress. (Don’t get me started on the Clinton thing, so full of contradictions on both the left and right!).
I could complain about the absolute hypocrisy of Gingrich, but that’s too easy (and better done by other folks.) Not enough to break out of my usual somnolescence and blog, unless … Unless, Newt’s signature on this pledge, already signed by Bachman, Perry, and Santorum, has a deeper subtext… or alludes to another seminal cultural text.
Well, surely, Newt is wooing Christian Conservative voters through the pledge. Interestingly, though, he’s using the rhetoric of marriage, of inviolable life-time commitments, when signing a pledge about the sanctity of marriage as a social institution. So, let’s imagine that wooing and courting are the stuff of politics. Politics is about language; so is courtship; after all, “making love” has a long history in language. If indeed politics and courtship are interconnected, then Newt is not just wooing the right, he is making love to them. He seeks a political marriage to go with his three wives, three marriages, and two divorces. Even better, he is using the language of marriage and commitment to make that argument.
As I considered the multiple layers embedded in Newt’s latest marriage proposal, I couldn’t help but think of a seminal text that might help us understand Newt just a little bit better: Paradise by the Dashboard Light.
How could I not? Not only is it one of my all-time favorite songs (and I’m dating myself here), but also it was recorded here in Cleveland. Cleveland International Records took a chance on charismatic Meat Loaf and his writing partner Jim Steinman. (We should add a more complete version of this story to Cleveland Historical, rather than our abbreviated reference to the Agora, shouldn’t we? Ok… apologies for the gratuitous plug of CPHDH signature digital humanities project. But, I digress.)
So, right about now is the time that you should queue the YouTube video. Listen along as you read my version of the lyrics, very minimally rewritten, I might add, in terms of modern political theater: Newt’s courtship of the Christian Right.
First, let me set the scene. Paradise is a song in three parts: 1) Paradise (including Phil Rizutto’s famous baseball metaphor), 2) Let me Sleep on It, 3) Playing for the End of Time. So, let’s set the scene: Washington in May 2013, just over 100 days after, President Gingrich took the Oath of Office. Our protagonists are New Gingrich (played by Meat Loaf), Bob Vander Plaats, CEO of the Family Leader representing the Christian Right (played by Karla DeVito), and the rest of us (as audience). Of course, Phil Rizutto plays himself.
I. Paradise (Washington, DC)
Newt:
I remember every little thing
As if it happened only yesterday
Trundling through those Iowa Cornfields Only Mitt Romney in sight
And I never had a group of churchgoers
Looking any better than you did
And all the candidates at the debate
They were wishing they were me that night
And now our bodies are oh so close and tight
Our politics feel so good, it never felt so right
And we’re glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C’mon! Hold on tight!
C’mon! Hold on tight!
The Iowa primaries are cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see nomination by the dashboard light
Bob Vander Plaats (and Christian conservatives)
Ain’t no doubt about it
We were quadrupally blessed
Michelle, Rick, Rick, Herman and Newt anybody’s race,
who would’ve guessed
Ain’t no doubt about it
Baby got to go and shout it
Ain’t no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Newt:
Cause my campaign’s rebirth was unforseen
And conservatives so marriage obsessed
Baby doncha hear my heart
You got it drowning out the radio
I’ve been waiting so long
For you to come along and have some fun
And I gotta let ya know
No you’re never gonna regret it
So open up your eyes
I got a big surprise
It’ll feel all right
Well I wanna make your motor run
And now our politics are oh so close and tight
It never felt so good, it never felt so right
And we’re glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C’mon! Hold on tight!
C’mon! Hold on tight!
Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see nomination by the dashboard light
Paradise by the dashboard light
You got to do what you can
And let Mother Nature do the rest
Ain’t no doubt about it
We were doubly blessed
Cause we were barely seventeen
And we were barely–
We’re gonna go all the way tonight
We’re gonna go all the way
An tonight’s the night…
Radio Broadcast:
Ok, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here,
two down, nobody on, no score, bottom of the ninth, there’s the wind-up and
there it is, a line shot up the middle, look at him go.
This boy can really fly!
He’s rounding first and really turning it on now,
he’s not letting up at all, he’s gonna try for second;
the ball is bobbled out in center, and
here comes the throw, and what a throw!
He’s gonna slide in head first, here he comes, he’s out!
No, wait, safe–safe at second base,
this kid really makes things happen out there.
Batter steps up to the plate,
here’s the pitch–
he’s going, and what a jump he’s got, he’s trying for third, here’s the throw,
it’s in the dirt– safe at third!
Holy cow, stolen base!
He’s taking a pretty big lead out there, almost daring him to try and pick him off.
The pitcher glance over, winds up, and
it’s bunted, bunted down the third base line,
the suicide squeeze in on!
Here he comes, squeeze play,
it’s gonna be close,
here’s the throw,
here’s the play at the plate,
holy cow, I think he’s gonna make it!
II. Let Me Sleep On It (Iowa Primaries 2012)
Vander Plaats:
Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further–!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
Do you love me!?
Will you love me forever!?
Do you need me!?
Will you never leave me!?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life!?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife!?
I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
Do you love me!!!?
Will you love me forever!!!?
Newt:
Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I’ll give you my answer in the morning
Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I’ll give you my answer in the morning
Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I’ll give you my answer in the morning
Vander Plaats:
I gotta know right now!
Do you love me?
Will you love me forever?
Do you need me?
Will you never leave me?
Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further
Do you love me?
And will you love me forever?
Newt:
Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I’ll give you my answer in the morning
Let me sleep on it!!!
Vander Plaats:
Will you love me forever?
Newt:
Let me sleep on it!!!
Vander Plaats:
Will you love me forever!!!
III. Praying for the End of Time (Washington, 2013)
Newt:
I couldn’t take it any longer Lord
I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave I started swearing to my god and on my wife’s hospital cave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!
So now I’m praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don’t think that I can really survive
I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now I’m praying for the end of time
It’s all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!!!
Newt:
It was long ago and it was far away and it was so much better than it is today
Vander Plaats:
It never felt so good
It never felt so right
And we were glowing like
A metal on the edge of a knife
…
Oh, so many ways to read the lyrics, once you get to the remorse that Newt and his Christian Conservatives will eventually feel with one another. My take is that they Newt and Christian Conservatives are both making a proverbial deal with the devil. Christians, of course, are hoping for the rapture. Newt, meanwhile, is fueling his obsessive doomsday vision. The left, meanwhile, will be predicting the end of civilization that almost certainly will not occur if Gingrich is elected, but will we too begin praying for the end of the world?